Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I am the luckiest.

I’m in the strangest limbo right now. One day I’m at a hideous low. I’ll spend a whole day crying, sending Ryan SOS text messages asking him to quit his job and be at home to hold me, telling my aunt that I can’t understand why we all have to die someday, wishing I could just get my babies to nap together for several hours straight so I can just crawl into a warm bath and pretend that I’m happy and have it all together, that my house is spotless and my laundry is caught up, that we’re eating more nutritious and home-cooked meals than we really are, that I’m not scared and lost and confused and miserable.

The next day my hormones regulate before spiking so I’ll feel totally fine, and then later almost elated with every little bit of life. Because this right here, this is the good stuff! I can’t even fathom how I can feel such extreme sadness, depression or not, when I look around me. I have the love of an amazingly kind, caring, supportive man. He loves me for who I am, encourages me to be the person I want to be, and forgives the person I once was… I don’t know that it can get any better than that. And these babies, my God. I’m their extremely biased mother, I know, but I’ve never seen anything as beautiful or as precious as these gorgeous tiny faces. I’ve seen so many sunsets, mountains, lakes, country drives, beaches and hiking trails. My God has made a beautiful world for me to live in, but he beat his own high score when he made these precious little children. I will never know or understand why I get the privilege of being their mother but I am thankful every day.

I feel like I might literally die of heartache over absolutely nothing at all one day, and then the next I hear that Ben Folds Five song playing in my head. “I am the luckiest.”

Like the other day when my little guy sat up at nap time and said “Lub… yewww” before giving me a tender hug and a sloppy-wet cheek kiss. Or when I whisper “Good morning” to my baby girl and she looks right at me and smiles that sweet gummy smile. Or like the other night when our boy was snuggled up with his chubby little hands folded together and thanked Jesus for fries, ketchup and treats.

Or like a few nights ago, when it was technically past bedtime but we were all hanging out in the kids’ room. Ryan and I passed our snuggly girl back and forth and admired her coos and sighs while our toddler ran around the room wildly, picking up everything he could find and throwing it into his toy box. “Good shot!” we’d shout each time. He giggle wildly, shout “Shot!” and then find something else to throw. I felt the warmth of my baby in my arms and listened to the sweetest of giggles from my boy, saw the look of pure bliss on my husband’s face and felt this strange little heart-squeeze. I thought, “This is the happiest moment of my life.”

(Have you ever seen a postpartum depression care package? Now you have. The best friend a girl could possibly ask for (see? the luckiest) sent me a cute little stork soap, supplements, essential oils with a diffuser, tea, a baby girl headband to match her baby’s, and chocolate!)

When I’m feeling my lows, feeling lost and like I don’t even know what I want or need or what will possibly make me better, I hurt. My heart just aches some moments and I feel incredibly selfish and like I just want the world to stop until I can get my bearings. I just want to feel like myself again, you know? But then I have moments like those ones and I think, maybe it’s only fair. If the only way I get to experience all this beauty is to experience those sad and weepy days, then I guess I’ll take them. It’s only fair because, after all, I am the luckiest.

I of course recommend that you listen to your doctor and do your own research should you run into postpartum depression… but I would like to say that I’m doing a little better now and have been using only natural treatment. My sad days are still very sad and hard, maybe just as sad and hard as before, but I seem to be having fewer and fewer of them each week. I’m currently focusing on a healthy diet and exercise along with multiple supplements, essential oils, and lots of extra skin-to-skin cuddles with my baby. I find the skin-to-skin to be especially effective. I do have a pharmaceutical prescription I have promised to take if things get worse or don’t get any better, but for now I am pretty happy with the progress I've already made sans drugs.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad the sad days are getting to be fewer!! All you need is time at this point. :)